Subzero

Posted 15 Mar 2014 by hornblower
Categories: Meta, Raspy Thoughts

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Reader A (shivering): Qué frío tengo yo. Ay, qué frío.

Reader B: What? Is that Spanish?

Reader A: …

Reader B: Why are you speaking Spanish?

Reader A: I don’t know. It just seemed like a good idea. It’s kind of boring out here now that Hornblower isn’t around anymore.

Reader B: Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m kind of bitter about the whole thing. I mean, he just abandoned us.

Reader A: I guess he must have his reasons, though, I figure. I mean, I guess he must.

Reader B: Do you think so, though? It seems like he doesn’t really care anymore, like it’s not worth the effort for him. Which is bullshit, by the way, bec–

Hornblower: BULLSHIT, READER B?

Readers A & B (Reader B just slightly behind, like half a beat. Classic dumbass Reader B move.): Hornblower!

Hornblower: It’s true I have returned from my long silence, and shoulder now the mantle once again. Too long have readers suffered such misfortune as rightly ought be borne by baser men.

Reader A: Well, I’m awfully glad you’re ba–

Hornblower:

They splash’d and sputter’d daily at their toil, in hopes of tasting some slight succor soon, yet every evening they return’d still sickly, and clicked and double-clicked until the moon …

Reader B (hushed, to Reader A): What’s going on here? What’s he talking about?

Reader A: Shh, I think he’s talking about his absence. Listen.

Hornblower: … rose slow but certain, witness to the hope that loyal readers still maintained, despite the ever-growing doubt, and fear, and dread. They clicked and double-clicked until the light.

Where once new posts appeared as sure as spring
returns lost luster to long-barren lands;
where years ago great mirth and subtle wit
elevated tales of dope new bands.

Reader B: Is that iambic pentameter? It sounds like iambic pentameter.

Reader A: Well that last line was only nine syllables, but yeah I think for the —

Hornblower:

Now page views dropped, and readers fell to sadness,
for sadness is a natural response
when what was once a fortress falls to ruin —
and blankness sits where thrived exquisite taunts.

Reader A: What’s next for Tin Speaker, Hornblower? What do you have left up the old sleeves in the old sleeve pockets?

Hornblower: Expect a lot of poop jokes and ostrich GIFs.

Reader A: Poop … and ostriches?

Hornblower: My SEO guy says that’s the only way to make this thing profitable. Apparently thousand-word concert reviews with no accompanying pictures don’t drive traffic the way they used to do.

Reader B: Did they ever, though, really?

Hornblower: GODDAMNIT, READER B! EVERY GODDAMN TIME I TRY TO BE NICE TO YOU, YOU SHIT ALL OVER ME!

Reader A: Seriously, Reader B. Get a grip on your life and your dignity.

Hornblower: You’re like a weirder John Travolta, minus the money and the Breitling watch. And minus Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction, cos I liked those.

Reader A: Phenomenon was pretty good, too!

Hornblower: Are you fucking kidding me, Reader A.

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Very Short Album Reviews I

Posted 29 Jan 2013 by hornblower
Categories: Uncategorized

Local Natives – Hummingbird : Lovelier, less continuously propulsive than Gorilla Manor.

Indians – Somewhere Else : Delicate; it grows.

Dro Carey – Tussin Underwater : Dark beatz; some are suitable for rapping.

Davwuh – Hong Kong : Mysteries of a nighttime city; seductive neon.

Return of Music Talk

Posted 10 Aug 2012 by hornblower
Categories: music

Tags: , , , ,

So it’s been a while since the glory days of Tin Speaker. That’s okay, though, because darkest hour comes right before the dawn (Bob Dylan, Harvey Dent, Thomas Fuller). So I’m just going to talk a little bit about the music I’m listening to. And prepositions I’m ending sentences with.

Procrastihontas – Mass Produced EP From her bandcamp: “Sad and soft acoustic songs about being let down by the world around you. Slow late night strums and resonant notes.” Sounds about right. It works for the same reason most solo acts work — a compelling voice and an understanding of how to write music that complements it. I suggest smoking a joint and listening to this in the tub. Actually I’d suggest doing that for any good music. Why have I never done that?

TNGHT – TNGHT Collaboration between Hudson Mohawke and Lunice. I don’t really listen to either of those artists but this EP if full of bangers (not that kind). Many opportunities to shout “OHHHHH!”

Simone White – Silver Silver She’s been around for a few years now, but I’ll confess to not hearing her music (as far as I know) until this week. Inventive arrangements, soft but compelling vocals, eminently listenable but never facile.

The Hornblower Guide to Walking in New York City

Posted 13 Mar 2012 by hornblower
Categories: Raspy Thoughts

Tags: , , , , ,

Many people are afraid that when they come to New York City they will be identified as tourists immediately by the way they walk. This is pretty much true. Unfortunately, most people’s response to this apprehension is not the sensible one, which would be to walk more like a New Yorker and less like a little meatball that just sprouted legs and learned how to propel itself for the first time in the history of meatball. Instead, they resort to exaggerating their puffy, rotund, flyover-state walks, so that for certain stretches of Broadway the fastest way down the street may well be crowd-surfing. But it does not have to be that way. If everyone simply followed the Hornblower Essential Tips for the New York City Pedestrian, the streets of New York would be alleviated of much of their congestion and people would spend less time walking places, giving them more time to work on productive projects like jellyfish pictures and chillwave EPs.

Keep Moving This is the golden rule, far more important than any other, and for good reason. New Yorkers do not stop, do not question where they are going and do not slow down and debate which way to go while they’re approaching an intersection with a WALK sign. If you need to check your iPhone to make sure you’re heading in the right direction, do what everyone else does and duck into a Starbucks or, better yet, a phonebooth. You’ll be out of everyone’s way, and once you rejoin the flow you’ll know exactly where you’re going, giving you the confidence to keep up with the swarm.
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The Surowieckipedia – Rough times

Posted 10 Dec 2011 by hornblower
Categories: The Surowieckipedia

Tags: , , ,

James wasn’t always the alpha male he would become. After an early growth spurt in elementary school, the rest of the school caught up to him, and by the eighth grade he was shorter than most of his classmates — including Little Petey, who was now going by the name Angry Pete aka Gorilla Man aka Wolf Murderson aka The White Gobstopper aka Hurt Bodiez. The evening of the eighth grade dinner dance, Angry Pete and his band of ne’er-do-wells accosted James and his date Young Susie outside of the gymnasium.

– AYO IT’S ME ANGRY PETE, Y’ALL!

– Hello Angry Pete, how do you do?

– NOT TOO GOOD, I GOT VIENNA SAUSAGES IN MY EARS AND NOSTRILS!

– I’m sorry, Angry Pete, I don’t see any …

– CALL ME HURT BODIEZ!

– Sorry, Hurt Bodies, I …

– WITH A Z, FOOL!

– Listen, Hurt Bodiez, I don’t …

– THAT’S BETTER! HA, HA!

– I don’t really know what you want from me.

– I WANT YOUR GIRL, JIMMY! YOUNG SUSIE IS GONNA BE MY DATE TONIGHT! YOU CAN HAVE THESE VIENNA SAUSAGES THO DAWG!

– What? Now, listen, I don’t think … that’s not something …

– You know what, James, it’s actually okay.

Young Susie took off her begonia corsage and gave it to James.

– I’d actually rather go with Hurt Bodiez. I thought it was pretty mean what you did to him back in elementary school, and I feel like you haven’t really grown up. And also your wiener is pretty small. I can tell.

– But, Young Susie! We were to be a spectacle upon the dance floor! I got my hat blocked!

– I’m sorry, James. Maybe if you hadn’t insisted on wearing those checked pants, things could have been different between us.

At that moment, James felt worse than he had ever felt before, except for the time when he was caught peeing in his fifth-grade teacher’s gas tank. He decided then that he would no longer let the Angry Petes of the world dictate his life to him. He decided then that one day the world would know his name and his deeds, courtesy of some crazy person’s blog. He decided then to become a professional bodybuilder

Girl Talk releases new album, All Day

Posted 15 Nov 2010 by hornblower
Categories: music

Tags: , ,

Available for free download here. Unfortunately, there seems to be some heavy traffic on the site, so I haven’t actually been able to download it. Thus the world must wait for the inevitable Hornblower dis track. I want to make sure I have all the ammunition I can in my armory.

Even so, something tells me this one is going to be popular with blondes and fifteen-year-olds. I’ll stick with Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy, thank you very much.

Time to party, internet.

Posted 26 Oct 2010 by hornblower
Categories: Meta