The Surowieckipedia — Formative years

James began what was to become a lifelong love affair with coconut macaroons when he was seven years old, in the cafeteria of his grammar school, the Westinville Monster School. His classmate Little Petey approached him with a proposition: Little Petey would share his coconut macaroons with James in exchange for a portion of James’s Vienna sausages. James was (quite understandably) attached to his Vienna sausages, but also intrigued by the Little Petey’s pastries. Large for his age, James quickly sized up the aptly named Little Petey and acted boldly. He accepted Little Petey’s coconut macaroon offering, but when Little Petey reached for a Vienna sausage, James snatched them back and removed several pink weiners from the can. “Dost thou enjoy the Vienna sausages, scurvied goat? Perhaps thou wouldst enjoy them in thine ears!” He twisted a sausage into each of Little Petey’s ears. “And, if thou didst find those weiners pleasant in thy respective external auditory meatuses, perhaps thy nostrils might enjoy as well the slippery texture and pleasant aroma!” He twisted a sausage into each of Little Petey’s nostrils. “Ha, ha!”

James realized that he had wasted four of his prized Vienna sausages, and maybe he could have just traded those for the coconut macaroons. But there was no turning back now. He cried out for all his classmates to hear: “Let it be known to all that James hast vanquished Little Petey and taken a very nice bounty of coconut macaroons, and that all who wouldst think to challenge James may indeed find himself or herself the recipient of some very unpleasant Vienna sausage-related humiliations.” With that, James took the rest of the coconut macaroons from a tearful Little Petey and strode out of the cafeteria and into his future, growing brighter with each passing moment.

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3 Comments on “The Surowieckipedia — Formative years”


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  2. […] up to him, and by the eighth grade he was shorter than most of his classmates — including Little Petey, who was now going by the name Angry Pete aka Gorilla Man aka Wolf Murderson aka The White […]


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