Archive for June 2009

Advert #2

25 Jun 2009

This is part two of my struggle against the miserable homebodies who patrol the Gigs section of craigslist. I was so enraged after being flagged for this one I almost pulled an Orlando Brown (you really should click that link if you don’t know what I’m talking about). Good thing Hornblower is wilier than that. Wilier by half. I strike back with the force of my wit — the most potent weapon I know.

Here is the offending advertisement, gentle readers. Look upon it and render in your mind an opinion. Mull it well. This is what democracy looks like


Advert #1

25 Jun 2009

So I’ve been working on some marketing strategies for the old Web logs. My plan hinges on the viral powers of Craigslist, and has thus far been overwhelmingly unsuccessful. For some reason, the bitter masses who peruse the Talent Gigs section of both the New York City and Hudson Valley craigslist see fit each time to flag for removal my legitimate and sincere advertisements. This is probably because they are just a bunch of no-talent wannabe models/dancers/actors/&c/&c who spend all their time sending in their ten-year-old headshots to NYU film students looking to cast “attractive and quirky twentysomething for a student film shooting this week. No pay, but it’ll be a great experience!” Excuse me for enlivening your sad, empty lives with the gift of my prodigious wit.

I realize this is utterly counter-intuitive, but I’m going to go ahead and post here the adverts that I’ve posted on and had removed from craigslist (side note — Firefox is weak for not recognizing ‘craigslist’ as a word). Perhaps some of my loyal readers will shoulder the mantle of duty and take it upon themselves to bring the wisdom and pith of Hornblower to the masses. Unite, friends. It takes a nation of millions to hold us back.

Reach for the stars

23 Jun 2009

In honor of Passion Pit’s sold-out shows this weekend at the Bowery Ballroom, I thought I’d share a special little video with my dedicated readership. It’s a little Irish tune that might sound a bit familiar!

Also, please do observe the little kid writhing in the aisle. And remember that this is a church.


Another Dialogue

22 Jun 2009

Reader 2: I’ve grown weary of waiting. My anger rises within me. Anger at Hornblower, and at the world.

Reader 1: He used to be so reliable. So trustworthy. I fear that fame has turned him all topsy-turvy.

Reader 2: I heard he sits all day in the cantina, drinking Land Shark beer.

Reader 1: The Jimmy Buffett beer?

Reader 2: Yes, didn’t you click the hyperlink?

Reader 1: No, I didn’t want to leave this site.

Reader 2: Old feelings die hard.

Reader 1: Your mom dies hard.

Reader 2: What?

Reader 1: Never mind. It’s useless. Hornblower’s the only true comic voice in all the land. We need him.

Reader 2: Forget it, Reader 1. He’s gone home. To roost. We never needed him, you know. He only brought us down. We’re better off without him.

Hornblower: I heard that.

Reader 1, Reader 2, God: Hornblower!

Animal Collective, preceded on stage by Grouper, at Terminal 5 – 13 May 2009

10 Jun 2009

Again with the Animal Collective. I’ve had quite enough by now, thanks.

But by insistent readership is … insistent. And, even though this was my third time in nine months seeing the collected animals, the old Web log has not really been saturated with related news. In any event, the review — here she be.

Berries in Spring

10 Jun 2009

Once again, this sort of counts as a post.

Here’s a little something I wrote. Did you miss it? Its here. Great. Go now, dear reader. Go to it and fly. Learn the ways of the hidden. Drive the automobile of the damned.

Also, I wrote “Olde English.” They changed it to Old.

Cool Breeze

03 Jun 2009

Great news, loyal readers. I’ve got three concert recaps in the incubator, and they’re shaping up nicely. You’ll have a fun time with them; invite your family. In the meantime, to maintain my reputation, I’m just going to name some hip, buzzy, bloggy bands, and tell what I think of them. Try to guess which ones I actually like, which I don’t, and which aren’t even real. Hint: the ones with links to MySpace pages are real. Or are they? Maybe I recorded some tracks in some different styles and made some MySpace pages for different made-up bands and added some friends and bam there you have it. And I did it a while ago, too. Dedication.

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart as well as Suckers at the Bowery Ballroom – 12 May 2009

02 Jun 2009

I’m sorry for the delay in posting this; I wrote a bunch of words here and then lost them to the cloud. After being sad about this for quite some time, I pulled myself together and rewrote the post. Here it is.

Here’s a dialogue

02 Jun 2009

Reader 1: Hey, Hornblower has been really lazy, lately. Does he just not go to shows any more, or what? Is something wrong with his computer, or his typing hand? Why does he only use one hand to type, anyway? That’s an awful way to do things.

Reader 2: Wow, I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. Literally, not a one. Boy.

Reader 1: Where did Reader 3 go?

Reader 2: Come on, now. There was never a third reader. Hornblower’s lucky he even has us.

Hornblower: I heard that.

Readers 1 & 2: Hornblower!