Cool Breeze

Great news, loyal readers. I’ve got three concert recaps in the incubator, and they’re shaping up nicely. You’ll have a fun time with them; invite your family. In the meantime, to maintain my reputation, I’m just going to name some hip, buzzy, bloggy bands, and tell what I think of them. Try to guess which ones I actually like, which I don’t, and which aren’t even real. Hint: the ones with links to MySpace pages are real. Or are they? Maybe I recorded some tracks in some different styles and made some MySpace pages for different made-up bands and added some friends and bam there you have it. And I did it a while ago, too. Dedication.

The Rural Alberta Advantage: What an interesting name, no? What could that advantage be? The ability to chop wood properly? To survive without human contact for up to three months at a time? To suck your thumb and cry about living in rural Alberta at the same time? I am banking on my readership’s not having any emotional ties to the province of Alberta.

Real Estate: Boy, that name in today’s economy? Good luck! Heyo! No. Not funny. But in Jay Leno’s absence, some one has to make these jokes. I bear the onus with dignity.

The Beets: Hilarious, making a real band with the name of the fictional one on the once-popular animated television program Doug. You did it, I’m hooked.

The Kornheisers
: Now this is a band I can trust. Always crisp, always tight, always in tune. These guys are destined for something big. Something real big. A show in the belly of a blue whale!

pow wow!: This band is also (or used to be) known as pow wow! riff riff! so you know they must be really good, and really cheeky.

Art Is For Fags: I’m pretty sure I speak for New York when I say Welcome! to these Alabama up-and-comers. Love their polished sound, keen sense of dynamics and acute lyrics that tackle the big questions — like whether de Kooning was a fag (spoiler alert … yes!).

So Cow: Stop trying to make ‘cow’ happen, you drunk Irish whiner. ‘Oh man, that show last night was so cow!’ ‘Whoa, that girl was ugly back in high school, but now she’s so cow!’ ‘I don’t know dude, Orpheus Weaponry is cool, but Tin Speaker is just so cow I void my bowels every time I visit it!’ Face it, Frank McCourt. It’s not happening.

Blind Man’s Colour: Oh, is that what you’re trying to do with your music? Evoke what a blind man’s ‘colour’ might be like? And you spell it like you’re from a Commonwealth nation? You pretentious fucks.

Golden Triangle
: More like farty necklace!

Bodies!: Boy, I just get chills listening to this band! They’re like what would happen is Sigur Rós met Tom Waits and made a tilapia dish together and then brought it over to Nate ‘Tiny’ Archibald’s house, where they met Joyce Carol Oates, whom they subsequently impregnated with quadruplets, who were all raised by scuttlefish in Menorca and when they grew up they ran into James Levine at a tapas bar and killed him and used his blood to make a soup, which they fed to a then-homeless [the guy from The Pursuit Of Happyness] and then slept for twelve years.

Kurt Vile: You see, it’s sort of like Kurt Weill, but different.

Wavves. Just kidding. They’re so January.

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One Comment on “Cool Breeze”

  1. Cool Breeze Says:

    […] Original post by hornblower […]


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