Archive for August 2009

Donté Stallworth killed somone, Plaxico Burress did not. Neither did Jason Kendall.

21 Aug 2009

He ran him over with his car. Someone is dead because of Donté Stallworth.

And he went to jail for only 24 days! What! WHAT! That’s the most ridiculous prison sentence since Jean Valjean got 19 years for copping a loaf of bread (five years for what he did, the rest because he tried to run; yes, 24601), erring heavily this time on the side of leniency. And Stallworth doesn’t have to carry around for the rest of his life a yellow passport that marks him as a convict. Talk about a sweet deal. He did get suspended without pay from the NFL for the 2009 season. So what! At least he’s not IN JAIL. He did, after all, KILL A MAN. Plaxico Burress, on the other hand, merely shot himself, causing pain and embarrassment but no death, and he’s going to jail for two years. This is a wacky world, indeed.

Remember Jason Kendall, the former catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates? He was pretty good, right? I bet he never killed anyone with his car, or brought a loaded weapon into a nightclub illegally and then shot himself in the leg with it. I bet he never did either of those things.

You heard about Tiger?

21 Aug 2009

He lost the PGA Championship even though he led after 54 holes. What a bitch!

Except he made $810.000 for four days of playing golf. I’ll be lucky to make my first $810.000 by the time I turn 50.


20 Aug 2009

For the first time, we’ll touch on the world of sports here at Tin Speaker. It’s not that I don’t like sports, it’s just that I hate America. Today I want to talk about sports. So I will. This will be a series of posts. This is just introductory.

The first topic is Usain Bolt. This guy is so fast. One time, I was driving on the Taconic State Parkway, and he ran past me. I was driving one hundred and ninety miles an hour, and he ran past me — barefoot! We’re talking about speed, here, readers. Also, there is now a warrant out for my arrest.

I think Usain Bolt should have been on the cover of TIME Magazine or Newsweek or (better yet) The Economist. Because 9.58 seconds is just such a tiny amount of time a person to be able to propel himself 100 meters forward with the aid of no apparatus but a pair of running shoes. I didn’t even know that he lowered the record again until today. That’s a disgrace to the New York Times’ email notification system. What kind of self-respecting, left-leaning rag reports on Robert Novak news but not Bolt! I care about speed, and speed only. So, from now on I only want Usain Bolt and Bryan Cranston updates.

No Deachunter (No Age, Dan Deacon and Deerhunter) at Brooklyn Bowl, 2 August 2009

13 Aug 2009

After two days without posts, I feel like I owe everyone a whole lot of words. Here are a few about the Dan Deacon/No Age/Deerhunter round robin show that was supposed to be a Pool Party show at the Williamsburg Waterfront, but was moved indoors to Brooklyn Bowl.

The venue change didn’t create a misnomer — the Pool Parties were only ever pool parties in a loose interpretation of the phrase, with the dry McCarren Park Pool serving as the waterless initiator of the appellation. This year found them even further removed from splashing and swimmies, with the location shifted down the street to the Williamsburg Waterfront. The lineup has remained as strong as ever, though, and this past Sunday was like a dreamland for the 1000+ hipsters who managed to make it into one of the shows.

You’ve got to go read the article. This is just supplementary.

I can’t help wondering what the show would have been like in its planned setting. No doubt Deerhunter and No Age would have elicited much the same responses in the small club or the expansive waterfront. But Dan Deacon relies heavily on crowd participation — would he have been able to get thousands of people to form a circle around a single interpretative dancer and imitate her moves? Would the human tunnel (two rows of people standing side-by-side facing each other, holding hands aloft with the person in front of you) have stretched a quarter-mile or more along the East River. I’d like to think so, but I can’t be certain. But what was, has been and what might have been, has now passed into oblivion! Also, one time I saw Dan Deacon at a cheap Indian food place in Baltimore. It was pretty exciting.


13 Aug 2009

No post yesterday. Or the day before! Wow. I know this caused no small measure of disappointment, especially to my more devoted readers. Please know, however, that this Web log will be all the better for the delay.

Some of you may know that in just nine days I will be leaving these fair shores in favor of warmer climes. What does this mean for Tinspeaker and Hornblower devotees? Only time will tell. Because I will not be in New York, however, I would like to suggest that my dear readers attend some exciting events which may distract them from the meaninglessness of their daily lives. Future posts in this same vein will be under the new “Things To Do” category.

Delving deeper

10 Aug 2009

Yesterday I discussed the preponderance of New Yorker articles entitled “String Theory,” and how none of them actually concern string theory, the titles being, instead, rather tired puns — usually based on the string instruments. Well, it’s not all about the fine arts over at 4 Times Square. In case any of my fine readers’ appetites were whetted by the words “string” and “theory” next to each other in the previous post, only to find no physics in sight, here‘s an article that isn’t called “String Theory” (thankfully; that would be terribly boring) but is about same. It’s a pretty neat, short summary of the present state of string theory and theoretical physics, and you should read it, because God knows you of all people can’t tell a boson from a bison!

Explorations in the New Yorker online archive

09 Aug 2009

Have you ever read the abstracts of humor pieces from the New Yorker archive? Of course you haven’t done, you uncultured sot. Well, let me just point you in the right direction. Read this and tell me what you think.

Pretty funny, no? I thought so, too. I’m glad we agree on the matter.

I also found another interesting, related (if you clicked the link) little something. There have been, this decade, no less than four pieces, plus a blog entry, in the New Yorker with the title “String Theory.” Observe here. Talk about weak. This is supposed to be the top cultural magazine in the world (maybe? I don’t really know. I assume it is.) and they’re using the same trite pun for articles about Joanna Newsom, Jasper Johns and French ready-to-wear fashion.

Needless to say, none of the articles are actually about string theory.