Posted tagged ‘the new yorker’

The Surowieckipedia – Rough times

10 Dec 2011

James wasn’t always the alpha male he would become. After an early growth spurt in elementary school, the rest of the school caught up to him, and by the eighth grade he was shorter than most of his classmates — including Little Petey, who was now going by the name Angry Pete aka Gorilla Man aka Wolf Murderson aka The White Gobstopper aka Hurt Bodiez. The evening of the eighth grade dinner dance, Angry Pete and his band of ne’er-do-wells accosted James and his date Young Susie outside of the gymnasium.

– AYO IT’S ME ANGRY PETE, Y’ALL!

– Hello Angry Pete, how do you do?

– NOT TOO GOOD, I GOT VIENNA SAUSAGES IN MY EARS AND NOSTRILS!

– I’m sorry, Angry Pete, I don’t see any …

– CALL ME HURT BODIEZ!

– Sorry, Hurt Bodies, I …

– WITH A Z, FOOL!

– Listen, Hurt Bodiez, I don’t …

– THAT’S BETTER! HA, HA!

– I don’t really know what you want from me.

– I WANT YOUR GIRL, JIMMY! YOUNG SUSIE IS GONNA BE MY DATE TONIGHT! YOU CAN HAVE THESE VIENNA SAUSAGES THO DAWG!

– What? Now, listen, I don’t think … that’s not something …

– You know what, James, it’s actually okay.

Young Susie took off her begonia corsage and gave it to James.

– I’d actually rather go with Hurt Bodiez. I thought it was pretty mean what you did to him back in elementary school, and I feel like you haven’t really grown up. And also your wiener is pretty small. I can tell.

– But, Young Susie! We were to be a spectacle upon the dance floor! I got my hat blocked!

– I’m sorry, James. Maybe if you hadn’t insisted on wearing those checked pants, things could have been different between us.

At that moment, James felt worse than he had ever felt before, except for the time when he was caught peeing in his fifth-grade teacher’s gas tank. He decided then that he would no longer let the Angry Petes of the world dictate his life to him. He decided then that one day the world would know his name and his deeds, courtesy of some crazy person’s blog. He decided then to become a professional bodybuilder

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Delving deeper

10 Aug 2009

Yesterday I discussed the preponderance of New Yorker articles entitled “String Theory,” and how none of them actually concern string theory, the titles being, instead, rather tired puns — usually based on the string instruments. Well, it’s not all about the fine arts over at 4 Times Square. In case any of my fine readers’ appetites were whetted by the words “string” and “theory” next to each other in the previous post, only to find no physics in sight, here‘s an article that isn’t called “String Theory” (thankfully; that would be terribly boring) but is about same. It’s a pretty neat, short summary of the present state of string theory and theoretical physics, and you should read it, because God knows you of all people can’t tell a boson from a bison!

Explorations in the New Yorker online archive

09 Aug 2009

Have you ever read the abstracts of humor pieces from the New Yorker archive? Of course you haven’t done, you uncultured sot. Well, let me just point you in the right direction. Read this and tell me what you think.

Pretty funny, no? I thought so, too. I’m glad we agree on the matter.

I also found another interesting, related (if you clicked the link) little something. There have been, this decade, no less than four pieces, plus a blog entry, in the New Yorker with the title “String Theory.” Observe here. Talk about weak. This is supposed to be the top cultural magazine in the world (maybe? I don’t really know. I assume it is.) and they’re using the same trite pun for articles about Joanna Newsom, Jasper Johns and French ready-to-wear fashion.

Needless to say, none of the articles are actually about string theory.

Das Cartoon Lounge ist Racist

08 Aug 2009

There are two things you should be doing. One is reading The Cartoon Lounge section of the New Yorker Web site. The other is listening to “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell” by Das Racist. Wait there’s a third: clicking at least one of the hyperlinks in the preceding two sentences. Seriously, I put them there for a reason. A fourth thing you probably should be doing is appreciating the hilarious title of this post.

I’ll give you a second.

Okay, great. Now, your assignment is about to get a lot easier. Farley Katz (No hyperlink this time. Hmm, now you’re starting to appreciate the hyperlinks. Yeah, now you’re starting to appreciate them real good.) decided to do a funny little thing about the song “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell (Wallpaper. Remix) for the Cartoon Lounge. It’s over there if you want to get at it.

Sure, now that you mention it, I’ll be glad to embed the video for the song — right after the jump.

What’s that? When did I start listening to Das Racist? Oh, no big deal. Only IN JANUARY! Almost SEVEN MONTHS AGO! Wow. Talk about cool. This is exactly what I was talking about in my last post. Pathetic.
(more…)

Qualms

07 Jul 2009

Anyone else think that the graphic on the New Yorker Web site makes Michael Jackson look like a long-haired Voldemort?

Yowza

Yow

Anyone else think that that thought doesn’t merit a Web log post? Anyone else think that it’s just the nose and the pale complexion that are similar? Anyone else think that it’s probably illegal to host this image here without asking (the illustration is by Robert Risko, for what that’s worth)? Anyone else think that Hornblower is just hoping someone will search WordPress for “Michael Jackson” and find this little nonsense? What a cad.

James Surowiecki wonders how many banks will become insolvent.

07 May 2009

I’m thinking four… Okay, maybe not four. Maybe just three. Actually… Hmm. All of a sudden, I’m really not sure. Let’s start at the beginning. All right, Bank of America, definitely, right? They’re just a bunch of wild men over there. Okay, so that’s one. Citigroup — that bank’s gone way down in hole. Can’t even pay to name a subway station after its own ballpark. Two. How about TD Bank? There’s no way it can stay afloat giving away all those lollipops. And do you know what Regis and Kelly charge to be on those billboards? Stacks and stacks. So that’s three, right there. All right, how about Ted’s Bank, down on South Cherry Street in East Northport? Those arson charges aren’t helping his business any. I mean, I always stayed away from Ted, but some people didn’t see past his preacher/banker-next-door veneer. Pray for those people. What else? Deutsche Bank only has € 2,202 trillion in assets, so count them out. Sorry, Donny. What’s that? Nothing to do with Deutsche Bank? Hmm. And € 2.202 trillion is actually kind of a lot? All right, the count remains at four. Let’s turn our lens to JPMorgan Chase & Co. Hmm, 228.452 employees, $2,30 trillion in assets, 200+ years in business… looks like trouble to me. I’ll put it on the Danger List — not quite insolvent yet, but getting there. I guess that concludes my wondering about how many banks will become insolvent. I should probably go find out what insolvent means. I failed the shit out of AP Chemistry. Meantime, I’d advise everyone to invest their money in the Surowieckipedia. Get on board now and reap great rewards later, guaranteed. Guaranteed.

(Original post here.)

George Packer quotes Irving Kristol on populism.

15 Apr 2009

“Populism? Gay.”
-Irving Kristol

(Actual post here)